‘Everything Irie!’ Bro… is it really?
The Curse of Deficiency-
Feeling inadequate ALL the time
I felt like I was wasting time, constantly trying to find the next big idea, the next job opportunity, searching for new ways to make money, feeling inadequate with myself. It became a second job- dealing with an unrelenting sense of deficiency. Deficiency in my capacity as a professional, graduate, friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend and just a person. Much like a job, it too required constant check ins, an annoying boss (your inner self-critic), gave you a false sense of control and apathy much like a salary that makes you come back on Monday and it taxed you by snatching your mental acuity and joy of living in the present. For retirement, you get anxiety, depression and if you are lucky, some self-esteem issues and it may throw in a mid-life crisis. The pay off is insufferable as it is insufficient like the pension schemes we have nowadays.
It seeps into the most menial task like the odour of hidden rotten food spreading through a home no matter how clean you try to make it. It was exhausting and I had enough. I think the turning point was not a climactic epiphany or a mental breakdown. It was a subtle awareness that crept into my night-time walks. The breaking point. Sometimes the most tumultuous things or realisations can be the most silent. I knew that I had to stop living on autopilot and letting things just happen to me. The idea of control and assertion is instantly jarring, at least for me, but without it I would let people, events and circumstances dictate my mood, thoughts and actions. It was infuriating yet tolerable and that was enough.
The ‘IRIE’ Journey
Where to start though? How can I live like I wanted to live? How can I find peace, find answers and live a more intentional life? This shit is hard fucking work and we do not talk about that enough especially amongst those who have spent decades of their life using scotch tape to cover the meteor sized gaps in their childhood and adolescent lives. For those who believe that they are burdening others when they talk too much about themselves, so they pay the mental tax and keep quiet, what of them? For those who people please because that is how they can find peace within chaos or gain control, what of them?
Exhausting.
We have a saying in the Caribbean, ‘Everything Irie.’ Used as a greeting, salutation but mostly like a band aid for a tough situation. It is Jamaican Patois and I found myself saying it quite often during Covid when I spoke to my friends and family about how I was doing. You can say the words and feel utterly different but it is something to say to ease the concerned and to continue the comforting lie you have told yourself for years.
How could I say something so habitually and not ever truly know the meaning of it was beyond me. Yet I prided myself in being selective with words and ideas I nurtured. Its meaning is rooted in resilience and hope so it felt natural that I would employ it in a time when resilience was all we had and hope was diminishing. ‘Everything Irie’ means everything would be ok, nice and smooth sailing but my mental state was collapsing.
It was only in November 2022 that I was fully struck by the essence of IRIE living. Urban dictionary schooled me real quick and the acronym IRIE means ‘I Respect I Eternally’ (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=irie)
Talk about mindset shift. The daring and sheer boldness of the phrase really impressed me. I Respect I Eternally- was I respecting myself? What was even my definition of self-respect ? My vague answers were troubling and truly unsettling.
So I am on this journey of respecting myself and holding myself accountable which is the toughest thing. It is all well and good to say
‘Not me on my healing journey… ’,
‘Yaasss, we love a self-aware queen on a healing journey’
But am I putting in the work to recognise my faults, heal my inner child, trauma and amend the notions I have of myself, others and my purpose? On some days, hell no. But on most days, yes. It is not a linear journey where I need to put in the work everyday but it does involve self-audits and sacrificing self-sabotaging habits and practices. It’s harsh, painful and requires a mental and emotional frankness that caused me to retreat to my comfortable and familiar spaces.
Healing is not just the IG aesthetic of a plant, a coffee, a spotless apartment, a trip to the gym for a Pilates class and a 67 step skincare routine for flawless skin. It is crying yourself to sleep sometimes, using affirmations to rid yourself of self-doubt and intrusive thoughts and making tough decisions to reach your true potential. It is the most universal GRIND!
This blog and Instagram page will not just help me hold myself accountable but also I hope at least help others understand this mindset shift and manifesto that I build around this thinking of one’s self and value. Keep me accountable and I will keep you accountable.
Happy Irie Living,
The IRIE team ❤
